Life lately feels like I’m constantly in ‘draft’ mood. I can’t seem to get my thoughts together before we’re on to the next thing. As we grieved Elodie in the early stages, thoughts and words outpoured from my heart, where I could barely keep up. Now life is just moving along and inspired words seem few and far between. But that doesn’t make life any less lived, it’s simply reality.
We’ve found ourselves contemplating a move. Our simple and understated townhouse, has been our home for 7 years. The longest place I’ve lived as an adult. It is where we came home to after getting married, it’s where Mason poured over text books and long nights of studying for the bar, it’s in this kitchen where Mason tore open the thin white envelope telling us he became a lawyer. It watched as we made career changes and took pregnancy tests. It contains our blood, sweat, and tears as we attempted small and large DIY projects. It’s in the walls of our home where we cried tears of joy, fear, and sadness. It’s where we brought our children home. This place has been a constant when life has not. It’s been surprisingly emotional to prepare for. We know this move allows us to be closer to our people…our community. This home has taught us about contentment. We’ve learned to Trust more than we ever have before and we are trusting Him even in this. On to new adventures, especially as we search for our next house, a place to call home, with excited anticipation.
As we see where this next journey takes me, not a day goes by that I don’t think of my Elodie and wishing she was with us. Some days it hurts and I cry. I now consider myself a bit of a weeper now. That commercial. That song. That story someone shares. That sunset. Most days we are at peace. I have a framed photo of her next to my bed…not a photo that sits on my nightstand…now that would be much more appropriate. But no, it’s a large framed photo we had at her memorial that has yet to be hung. It sits propped against the wall. She’s the last thing I see before I go to bed at night and the first thing I see in the morning. Her face puts things into perspective for me every single day. Her photo ended up there by happenstance. We wanted to hang it, but couldn’t find the right place, so I left it there to deal with on another day and there it has stayed. 8 months. Emotionally I’m well. Physically I’m well. We are cautiously optimistic about another pregnancy. I’d be lying if I said I’d be able to keep it altogether. I don’t think any length of time would ever make me ready, but that’s where Trust is the only thing that I know will carry us through. And I’m trusting He knows the right time too.
As Mason and I celebrate 7 years of marriage tomorrow (May 23rd), I said to him jokingly, “Of all the things we’ve gone through during our marriage, some people don’t even experience one of those trials in a lifetime…if we can survive through all of that…I guess you’re apparently stuck with me for life!” It’s humbling to be your wife. Only by Grace.