Dear Mason,

It’s occurred to me that I’ve used this blog to express my heart and soul about the loss of our precious daughter, but I rarely share with the world my heart for you and Finnegan.

And for those reading, I also feel that I’ve held back a quite large chunk out on how I’ve been able to cope with our loss. Yes, its been by the grace of God, but it’s also because God created this man I call my husband. He’s shown me and many others how an incredible and supportive husband, father, and friend he truly is… 

Tomorrow is one of the days that I’ve been dreading. It’s the date that the doctors gave us when we first learned we were pregnant for the second time – January 29, 2016. Gosh we were so excited. It was the 40 week mark that we mentally noted, but basically shrugged away, since we knew we would be scheduled for a c-section a few days/weeks prior, but it’s a date that you and I know lives in infamy. It’s so hard for me to think of today as anything, but painful. Yet there were such sweet memories I do have as we dreamt of this day.

I remember reading about grief shortly after her birth (4 months ago now), especially around how husbands and wives grieve differently and it honestly scared me. You hear tragic stories of failed marriages after going through what we went through. I took that reality to heart and made a promise to myself that this wouldn’t be us. This wouldn’t break us. I was keenly aware of what was happening to me and between us. I was probably more verbal about my feelings, which you know is hard for me to do in general. But knew that if I could tell you why I was snippy or frustrated or any other range of emotions, that we didn’t live in this emotional battlefield, trying to figure out each others moods.

You cried when I cried. You listened when I just needed to talk something out. You never once shut me down or marginalized my woes. You carried me when I had nothing left to give and you still do. You pray over us and for us. You are truly my rock.

I have to admit that I feel like I fail you everyday as the wife you need me to be. You give me wide open space to grieve the way I need to grieve, yet I feel like I take so much more than I give back right now. Please forgive me.

We promised one another that our perspective on life would be different, that we would reprioritize and never look back. Yet I find myself falling back into old ruts and habits…the blood-sucking daily grind of life creeps back in and I feel like you end up with my scraps at the end of each day. Please forgive me.

An ‘a-ha’ for me lately is that I feel like the Lord is leading me to pray for you…not just in passing, but to purposefully set time aside to pray…just for you. Now let me back up, I used to do the big ‘eye roll’ when girls would talk about praying for their husbands…it just always came across to me as…pretentious…prideful…but for whatever reason just bugged that crap out of me…clearly my heart was not in the right place!

Prayer has been the only thing I know that’s gotten us through the ugly and I know that’s the least I can do, yet the most meaningful.

I love you, Mason John, more then ever before.

 

Your Loving Wife,

Michelle

 

 

 

 

 

It’s been some time since my last post…All is well other than fighting seasonal colds (again) and ice/snow that seem to paralyze good ‘ole Charlotte for a couple days. At least we got some quality snow days, which included snowmen and sledding!

We are also approaching Elodie’s due date – January 29 – I find myself thinking about the day and quickly finding something else to distract me from dwelling on it. I’m also feeling as though the enemy is using the upcoming day to hurt me, which is why I feel like I’ve been apprehensive to even wanting to face the day. I’m even tempted to ignore it. I am actually taking the day off as I’m attending a retreat with some women from church. Lord has clearly been in the midst for that to work out the way it has…

As we plan for surgery in April, I’ve been keeping up with several women who have had their TAC placed and are currently pregnant. Last Monday, one of the girls expressed she was dealing with contractions throughout her pregnancy and ended up delivering at 30 weeks even with a TAC…and I couldn’t help but think…that could still be me and completely lost it! I was a total mess. I felt defeated and I didn’t even take one step past the starting line. I also believe the enemy is using fear to creep into our frail lives. To manipulate my faith and to distract me from trusting the One who is truly in control.I’m still trying to understand why I reacted the way that I had and failing at every turn. I do believe the enemy uses emotions to deceive and to manipulate God’s voice. Through my grasping of truth I came upon a book called Fear and Faith: Finding the Peace Your Heart Craves by Trillia Newbell. By definition, the fear I’m experiencing is an expectation of harm. When I’m tempted to fear, it is because my false sense of control has been altered by a circumstance. A child lost. Or the unknown. Ultimately because I’m seeking trust and security in anything other than the Lord.

Fear opposes faith when rooted in unbelief. Lord, please help my unbelief.

What. A. Week. This was the first full week at work since going out on leave. It was a doozy. I think the combination of everyone getting back from the holidays and catching up on things that fell on the waste side and just being plain rusty at my job.

I’m sure glad it’s the weekend, though. Finn decided to sleep-in till 11am yesterday! Praise Jesus. He is totally a three-nager…’tude and all! Three has been tough. The most challenging of phases yet. The week started with notes from school saying he’s been “pushing his friends”. To screaming when he doesn’t get his way.  Saying ‘no’ constantly and demanding that he picks his clothes out (I think I know who he takes after there…). Where has my sweet, compliant child gone?! But something changed on Thursday. My sweet boy showed up and he’s stayed that way through yesterday too. Praying the ‘three-nager’ stage is short-lived and it’s simply navigating his new found independence. This momma is exhausted!

 

In other news…I was confirmed a surgery date…

April 11th by Dr. Haney in Chicago. I’m still waiting on finalization of insurance (so prayers there). But the plan will be that Mason and I will travel up the Saturday before. Surgery is 7:30am (check-in at 6am) on that Monday at the University of Chicago and then we’ll travel back on Wednesday. It’s technically an outpatient surgery, but it will be done at the hospital. I will stay one night and discharge the following morning. I’ve found recovery varies case by case. Since the procedure is similar to a c-section and having one in the past, I know I’ll be home for a couple weeks quite sore, but hope to not have to take much time off work and just work remotely. Mainly for my mental state. When I was recovering from my last c-section, my motivation was to get up and see Finn everyday and I truly think that helped me heal faster.

This opportunity is still a surreal feeling. In my heart of hearts, I believe the Lord has led us to this doctor. But I’m cautiously optimistic (which is to be expected). Faithfully I want to trust Him with this, but it’s hard to not doubt. I even at times find myself second guessing…am I pursuing this out of my own feelings to find an answer? My prayer is to continue to seek His guidance. I’m also motivated to want to do this for Elodie and for Finn. We have not had one pregnancy that has turned out well. Dr. Haney said it well, “My goal is to change that for you both.”

Also, our desire to have more children hasn’t gone away either. Over the course of several weeks, engaging with women over at AbbyLoopers (the TAC community chat board), I discovered that Dr. Haney doesn’t take just anyone. He has a personal success rate that he takes very seriously and right now 98% of his patients have a living, healthy child post TAC. That’s a stat we can get behind. Are there still risks? Of course…like any other pregnancy, but if we can take my weak cervix off the table, which is the linch-pin to my difficult pregnancies, then this is the best scenario we’ve got.

With all that said, with any future pregnancies, I would continue to be closely monitored by my team of local doctors…p17 shots for contractions…cervical checks via ultrasound. And followed more closely by a MFM (maternal fetal medicine doctor). I’ve communicated with them both and they are supportive of this procedure. My MFM even went on to say, “We wish all our patients were as well informed and proactive as you!” I could gripe about why didn’t they recommend this to begin with…suffice it to say…I think we live in a sad reality that insurance companies influence even how our doctors practice medicine. And many are beholden to policy and are risk averse. As to why more doctors don’t perform this procedure when the success rates speak for themselves. Dr. Haney said its a matter of time that this will be the procedure of choice. My only advice to anyone dealing with medical challenges…never give up looking for an answer. Never. Even if there is just one doctor out there that can help. Follow it.

Please continue to pray for us…pray that insurance covers the procedure and for our hearts as we approach April 11th with anticipation and nerves. xo