As time continues to tick by, the feeling of loss has…softened. The pain of losing Elodie will never go away, nor would I ever want it to go away. We will never just ‘get over it’. Heartache, sadness, and frustration still exist and it comes like ocean waves. Waves that once were debilitating that would take you out at the knees…are now smaller and more predictable. Although pain lingers and occasionally catches you by surprise, it does make joy, happiness, and even contentment be ever so precious and more brilliant through tear-stained eyes…


Reflection on God’s provision through this has also been healing…I recognized the Lord was protecting my heart in small ways. The biggest thing that still stands out to me was that I didn’t buy one thing for Elodie. For those that know me; fashion and shopping is like sleeping and eating, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I would “pin” things and even found new curtains and bedding for the nursery, but never got around to buying anything. I’d gush over adorable head wraps, bows, and outfits…but deep down in my soul…there was something there that just kept me from jumping in with both feet. When we got home from the hospital, our home was the way we had left it. The Lord protected my fragile heart knowing that if there were stacks of baby girl clothes or a room ready just for her, it would break me even further. Even though insignificant, I thanked Him for shielding me…

Lately I’ve been having this feeling of urgency to talk about Elodie or see her name in writing. Almost like time is passing by and I don’t want to forget about her. I’ve spent more money on monogram jewelry than I care to admit. I want the world to know that I have a daughter and though she may not live here on earth, she’s alive in our hearts and forever treasured. I’ve been thinking about her name a lot too and know some have wondered where we even came up with it…Elodie was the one and only girl name Mason and I loved. When I was traveling a lot while working in audit several years ago, I had a couple trips to Paris. The last engagement I had there we had worked with local accountants. One of the guys invited the team to dinner at his favorite restaurant. It was his favorite because of a girl that worked there…her name was Elodie. He would say, “I’m in love with Elodie” {insert French accent}. I called Mason that night and told him that if we ever had a girl, we would have to name her this beautiful name and it stuck! When Mason and I decided to find out the sex of this baby, I was floored that we were going to have a girl. Never did I think that I would have my Elodie…

We are still navigating this new normal…we had planned to move Finn to his new “big boy” room in October, but he has no interest in moving out and let’s be honest, there is no reason to push it either. So for now, he stays and converted his crib to a toddler bed. I’m finding I second guess myself all the time too…What if we end up with a baby at some point? How then do we move him out? Are we impacting Finn by doing or not doing something? What if, what if… Instead of being paralyzed, there were some things I did rip the band-aid off like boxing up all of Finn’s baby things to move to storage…toys, his cradle and bedding, his swaddle blankets and clothes…I told to myself that those things should have been stored away months ago even before being pregnant with Elodie…this doesn’t mean we’re giving up. I prayed over each and every item…Praying that one day we will use those receiving blankets and that he or she will kick and roll on that playard. This isn’t over…

You know when I said there are still days where loss catches you by surprise…music usually is the culprit and it speaks to my heart so much…I had turned on a local Christian radio station while on my way to pick Finn up from school and Steven Curtis Chapman’s song ‘Glorious Unfolding’ came on. I’m not normally a huge fan of his music or any pop-Christian music, but the words to this song just leveled me…This is where my heart is lately…trusting and knowing the Lord will redeem Elodie’s death…

Glorious Unfolding

Lay your head down tonight
Take a rest from the fight
Don’t try to figure it out
Just listen to what I’m whispering to your heart
‘Cause I know this is not
Anything like you thought
The story of your life was gonna be
And it feels like the end has started closing in on you
But it’s just not true
There’s so much of the story that’s still yet to unfold

And this is going to be a glorious unfolding
Just you wait and SEE and you will be amazed
You’ve just got to believe the story is so far from over
So hold on to every promise God has made to us
And watch this glorious unfolding

God’s plan from the start
For this world and your heart
Has been to show His glory and His grace
Forever revealing the depth and the beauty of
His unfailing Love
And the story has only begun

We were made to run through fields of forever
Singing songs to our Savior and King
So let us remember this life we’re living
Is just the beginning of the beginning

Of this glorious unfolding
We will watch and SEE and we will be amazed
If we just keep on believing the story is so far from over
And hold on to every promise God has made to us
We’ll SEE the glorious unfolding

Just watch and SEE (unfolding)
This is just the beginning of the beginning (unfolding)

True or False

itiswellGuys, the last four days have been rough! It’s been the kind of days that you feel completely under attack. Where the enemy is trying to take you out any way he knows how…he knows your soft spots and weaknesses and he’s digging into Every. Single. One. I can either believe the lie or deny it on its cold dead face…

1.) The first was that my sister shared an article with me…it was a great article (I didn’t think so at the time) and it spoke truth around how grief can lead to sin…there were three main struggles the author pointed out…

  • Minimizing the joy of others…
  • Giving into an internalized anger and bitterness that are unjust…
  • Despicable jealousy…

But then I found myself feeling defensive all of a sudden. Feeling like, why is she sending this to me? I began to critique the writer, pointing out the flaws in the article. But the point is that the article was speaking TRUTH and I started to feel prideful like I don’t have her problem. And then all of a sudden, BAM! Those exact thoughts started to creep into my life, including my pride. I was giving into every single one of those temptations. I started getting irritated at everything and this was just the beginning of a long 4 days…

2.) Next up…Finn has been sick since Friday…that’s 4 days and 3 nights of barf, fevers, and crying (Finn too)…topped off with endless days of rain and clouds. The enemy is wearing us both down through the relentless whining, clean-up, and lack of sleep and really no where to go because it’s freaking raining out…again! The enemy is just having a hay-day with this…he’s snickering at every turn of events, including the unnecessary bickering between parents…

3.) My beauty is under attack…I gained about 10lbs with Elodie and the day I came home from the hospital I immediately lost 5 (yay!)…but now find myself back up and still needing to lose the same 10lbs and now they won’t budge. And then there’s the new haircut…I hear the enemy whispering ugly, fat, nice try, but you’ll never be good enough…also, lets refer back to #1 where despicable jealousy revealed itself…

4.) If the other items above weren’t enough, let’s just top it off with sprinkled affects of just feeling plain knocked down…either by holding others to unrealistic expectations, feeling alone, things simply not working, or the nagging nudges of just wanting Elodie to still be kicking inside…

Every single thing I mentioned is an utter LIE and I’ve been believing them, until I couldn’t take it anymore and I find Mason praying over me and speaking truth. Now I find that I can read that same article with a fresh set of eyes…it’s amazing how the truth does set you free when you deny what the enemy wants to use to tear you apart…

Ephesians 2:4–7 is true: But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved—and raised us up with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus.

Small Answers


I had my consultation with Women’s Institute – Maternal and Fetal Medicine today. It was an appointment we hoped would bring some clarity and answer some of the “why’s”…it did.

It was also an appointment that allowed us to talk through what other medical considerations would be added to our “plan” regarding monitoring and preventing preterm complications of any future pregnancies should we decide to try again…there were a few.

Mason and I knew going in that we wouldn’t be handed a silver bullet. Our expectations were realistic. We knew that there will always be a risk of an early deliver…how early? We will never know. We prayed that we’d walk out encouraged…we did. But also knew this wouldn’t make our decision any easier…it doesn’t.

I have a follow-up appointment with my primary OB next week and expect some additional tests to be performed over the next weeks/months to ensure we’re not missing anything else that may have gone undiagnosed or not considered…

My dad shared the above verse as he was helping me pull together some medically specific questions in preparation for my appointment. Clearly, I take after him in our need to read and pour over information…but it was this scripture that puts into perspective that as much as we want to know and understand, our trust is ultimately in the LORD – not medicine, doctors, statistics, or any earthly knowledge.

We ask for continued prayers over the next several months as we pray, process, and make decisions regarding the future of our family. xo