Four

It’s September 24, 2019. The busyness of work, school, and anticipation of season changes is upon us.

It also means her day is here. I always sense in my spirit when it’s coming. I find little things puts heavy pressure behind my eyes. Sometimes I have to hold them back (or let I let it flow depending on the time or day). But it always comes unexpectedly!

Grief never leaves. Sometimes it softer and sometimes it’s heavier like September has turned out to be.

The way I miss Elodie is like this…she’d be turning 4 years old today…I imagine who she’d be at 4. Is she gentle and calm. Spicy and independent. What does she like? My life now is overwhelmed by Superhero’s. What else would overwhelm our house at this point if she was here? What does her voice sound like? Is hair detangler a staple in our house along with lost bows. Does she love clothes and shoes like her Momma (and Daddy)? Is she girly or a tom-boy?

I came upon this “did you know” a couple months ago and it wrecked me…

RESEARCH PROVES A PART OF YOUR BABY REMAINS IN YOUR BODY FOR UP TO 38 YEARS

WHAT?! It’s called fetal microchimerism. I can be a bit of a “doubting Thomas” when I read this headline and had to do a bit of research to understand it. But it’s true! Bits of your baby’s DNA can get left behind and you physically carry your children. Good or bad it can impact your own molecular composition.

The best quote from the article I found that summed it up was…

I’ve always known that motherhood changes you forever, but I just didn’t know how much it changes us, even at our most basic cellular level.

As odd as that reality sounds it brought so much comfort to me! I lost my baby girl, but I still carry her with me and not just in my heart!

I know her life matters. She still brings purpose to so many lives. She’s our story, our testimony of this thing called life. We still feel so much pain in losing her, but what I do believe is that IT IS WELL WITH MY SOUL! I trust that with all that I am that it’s HOPE in only Jesus that I can say makes that eternally true.

Happy Birthday my precious girl!!

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