Today marks two weeks since our lives were forever changed. It feels like time have stood still for two weeks. Thinking back to that Thursday, it feels like a lifetime away, but its been just a couple weeks…I was kept overnight after delivering Elodie for observation. Since I had a prior c-section with Finn they wanted to ensure I was stable before sending me home. I couldn’t wait to get out of there…
The attending doctor came by again to check me and he indicated that I had a high white blood cell count when I was admitted and wanted to check my levels in the morning…My primary doctor (who wasn’t on-call at the time) came by to check-in on me. He was so gracious and expressed his shock about what happened. I had just seen him that Monday and on paper, things couldn’t have looked better. He asked that I see him in a week (which was this past Tuesday).
When I was still admitted, they performed a pathology screening of the placenta because of the high white blood cell count and my doctor confirmed this past Tuesday that there was an infection that caused inflammation of the placenta and the amniotic sac. Because they aren’t able to identify the source of the infection and I wasn’t showing any outward signs (fever, chills, aches, etc.) – they can’t definitely say that this is what caused me to start labor. But it very well could be the cause, in combination, with my uterine anomaly…perfect storm? Now knowing this, my doctor would like for me to be seen by a specialist. He also would like them to weigh-in on what this means for future pregnancies. His opinion (emotions aside) that there shouldn’t be any reason for us to try again…as much as we find this to be “encouraging”, we are no where near a place where making a decision around another pregnancy is something we can even fathom right now. But for now, the door is slightly ajar.
Some may think, take your time…why all the doctor visits and tests? Part of the grieving process is obviously to grieve our Elodie, but we are also faced with the potential grief of not carrying another child of our own. I’d rather know all the facts now, so we can prayfully ask the Lord to guide our next steps…is it to conceive and try to carry another child? Is it surrogacy? Adoption? Our hearts ache for our loss for Elodie, but it also aches for our desire to expand our family…for Finn to have a sister or brother.
My heart sinks thinking about Finn losing his sister. He was so excited! He would watch the Daniel Tiger episodes about him getting a new baby sister (over and over again). He may not understand all the things we understand of losing Elodie, but he knows in his own way. He knows Mommy doesn’t have a baby in her belly anymore and that “she came out”. We talk to him daily about Elodie going to Heaven and that she lives with Jesus. And that Mommy and Daddy are sad. He watches as tears fall and he’ll grab my face and say “Mommy, I love you!” I reassure him that Mommy is sad because I miss Elodie, but YOU bring joy to my life. He also has been very clingy. Ever since his visit to the hospital, he rarely lets anyone else do things for him and insists it be Mommy. Life has changed for all of us, including our almost 3 year old! I pray at night that he gets glimpses of heaven – that he dreams of his baby sister and that he knows that she’s ok.
Mason and I have been so fortunate that we’re eligible to take parental leave. I’ve felt guilty about it, but I know this is time that we need as a family. To take time together without distractions of work and the busy-ness of life. This is time we’ll never get back and its a gift. We’ve been so blessed by the outpouring of support from family, friends, coworkers, and neighbors…cards, texts, emails, meals and care packages from so many. I know Elodie’s life has impacted so many, I know her story is not over and that her life is being used! Thank you Jesus! xo