As time continues to tick by, the feeling of loss has…softened. The pain of losing Elodie will never go away, nor would I ever want it to go away. We will never just ‘get over it’. Heartache, sadness, and frustration still exist and it comes like ocean waves. Waves that once were debilitating that would take you out at the knees…are now smaller and more predictable. Although pain lingers and occasionally catches you by surprise, it does make joy, happiness, and even contentment be ever so precious and more brilliant through tear-stained eyes…
Reflection on God’s provision through this has also been healing…I recognized the Lord was protecting my heart in small ways. The biggest thing that still stands out to me was that I didn’t buy one thing for Elodie. For those that know me; fashion and shopping is like sleeping and eating, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I would “pin” things and even found new curtains and bedding for the nursery, but never got around to buying anything. I’d gush over adorable head wraps, bows, and outfits…but deep down in my soul…there was something there that just kept me from jumping in with both feet. When we got home from the hospital, our home was the way we had left it. The Lord protected my fragile heart knowing that if there were stacks of baby girl clothes or a room ready just for her, it would break me even further. Even though insignificant, I thanked Him for shielding me…
Lately I’ve been having this feeling of urgency to talk about Elodie or see her name in writing. Almost like time is passing by and I don’t want to forget about her. I’ve spent more money on monogram jewelry than I care to admit. I want the world to know that I have a daughter and though she may not live here on earth, she’s alive in our hearts and forever treasured. I’ve been thinking about her name a lot too and know some have wondered where we even came up with it…Elodie was the one and only girl name Mason and I loved. When I was traveling a lot while working in audit several years ago, I had a couple trips to Paris. The last engagement I had there we had worked with local accountants. One of the guys invited the team to dinner at his favorite restaurant. It was his favorite because of a girl that worked there…her name was Elodie. He would say, “I’m in love with Elodie” {insert French accent}. I called Mason that night and told him that if we ever had a girl, we would have to name her this beautiful name and it stuck! When Mason and I decided to find out the sex of this baby, I was floored that we were going to have a girl. Never did I think that I would have my Elodie…
We are still navigating this new normal…we had planned to move Finn to his new “big boy” room in October, but he has no interest in moving out and let’s be honest, there is no reason to push it either. So for now, he stays and converted his crib to a toddler bed. I’m finding I second guess myself all the time too…What if we end up with a baby at some point? How then do we move him out? Are we impacting Finn by doing or not doing something? What if, what if… Instead of being paralyzed, there were some things I did rip the band-aid off like boxing up all of Finn’s baby things to move to storage…toys, his cradle and bedding, his swaddle blankets and clothes…I told to myself that those things should have been stored away months ago even before being pregnant with Elodie…this doesn’t mean we’re giving up. I prayed over each and every item…Praying that one day we will use those receiving blankets and that he or she will kick and roll on that playard. This isn’t over…
You know when I said there are still days where loss catches you by surprise…music usually is the culprit and it speaks to my heart so much…I had turned on a local Christian radio station while on my way to pick Finn up from school and Steven Curtis Chapman’s song ‘Glorious Unfolding’ came on. I’m not normally a huge fan of his music or any pop-Christian music, but the words to this song just leveled me…This is where my heart is lately…trusting and knowing the Lord will redeem Elodie’s death…
Glorious Unfolding
Lay your head down tonight
Take a rest from the fight
Don’t try to figure it out
Just listen to what I’m whispering to your heart
‘Cause I know this is not
Anything like you thought
The story of your life was gonna be
And it feels like the end has started closing in on you
But it’s just not true
There’s so much of the story that’s still yet to unfold
And this is going to be a glorious unfolding
Just you wait and SEE and you will be amazed
You’ve just got to believe the story is so far from over
So hold on to every promise God has made to us
And watch this glorious unfolding
God’s plan from the start
For this world and your heart
Has been to show His glory and His grace
Forever revealing the depth and the beauty of
His unfailing Love
And the story has only begun
We were made to run through fields of forever
Singing songs to our Savior and King
So let us remember this life we’re living
Is just the beginning of the beginning
Of this glorious unfolding
We will watch and SEE and we will be amazed
If we just keep on believing the story is so far from over
And hold on to every promise God has made to us
We’ll SEE the glorious unfolding
Just watch and SEE (unfolding)
This is just the beginning of the beginning (unfolding)
All the Delightful Things 