Getting Elodie’s story down has been much more difficult to write than expected, so please forgive the multiple “parts” as I digest and process her story…if you want to start from the beginning please read Part I and II here…
Once the epidural was placed, I had time to mentally focus on what was happening and was able to spend these moments with Mason, my sister, Danielle, my future brother-in-law, Blaine, and my dear friend Courtney. It was very quiet and somber. The doctors and nurses were in the middle of shift change and met the doctor who would ultimately deliver Elodie. He too was kind hearted and gentle. We also had several questions around whether or not we could have a neonatologist come and assess Elodie and what the chances were for her…I was even asking Courtney which funeral home she used when Bobby passed away. I shouldn’t have to ask my best friend these questions?!
They left me be for what it felt like an hour or so and they just said if I started to feel pressure or a gush of water to call them…I don’t recall what time it was but there was pressure and my heart raced…Mason held my hand and promised me that everything would be Ok. Our friend Lauren who was willing to photograph the delivery was in the room and she asked me what we wanted. I told her I just want to remember.
The doctor came and checked me and I was fully dilated, he said he didn’t want me to have to make any effort. I pushed just once and as soon as I felt her leave my body, I knew her time had come and my heart raced and tears fell. She was delivered in the sac, the doctor quickly took her out…but she was sleeping. She was so peaceful and pink and so warm. The neonatologist happened to be one of Finn’s doctors, assessed her. They cleaned her, swaddled her, and placed a hat on her head. She handed her to me and said she has a heartbeat and we just need to keep her warm.
All I could whisper to my dear daughter was that I was so sorry and that I loved her! We were able to hold and stare at her for 3 hours. Memorizing every inch of her. Her tiny lips, her chin and nose which resembled Finn. She had tiny round ears like Mason. She had my hands and feet. My heart broke. I was numb.
Mason’s parents and brother arrived shortly after her birth. My parent’s and brother were there via FaceTime. We had her baptized and prayed over her. Elodie was born at 9:21am and she died at 10:05am…44 mins…she has a birth certificate and a death certificate. Her spirit was with us and then she went with Jesus. She never felt pain. She never experienced sin. She was perfect in every way. I will miss her every minute of every day until I see her again…I still don’t know why the Lord allowed for this to happen. There are days of joy, sorrow, and absolute anger…I cling to Him. I ask Him to use Elodie’s short life and change me through this time. At night, I pray that He gives me glimpses of Heaven. My heart longs for Heaven…in my longing, I pray that while He keeps me here to make His purposes known and that her life was not in vain.
Please continue to pray for us. Pray for our hearts as we grieve our daughter. Please also pray for our future family. We are beginning to grieve that the door for additional children through natural steps may be closing. Lift up our doctors as there will be follow-up appointments, tests, and more questions. We grieve in more than one way and need your prayers. xo