Getting Elodie’s story down has been much more difficult to write than expected, so please forgive the multiple “parts” as I digest and process her story…if you want to start from the beginning please read Part I and II here…

Once the epidural was placed, I had time to mentally focus on what was happening and was able to spend these moments with Mason, my sister, Danielle, my future brother-in-law, Blaine, and my dear friend Courtney. It was very quiet and somber. The doctors and nurses were in the middle of shift change and met the doctor who would ultimately deliver Elodie. He too was kind hearted and gentle. We also had several questions around whether or not we could have a neonatologist come and assess Elodie and what the chances were for her…I was even asking Courtney which funeral home she used when Bobby passed away. I shouldn’t have to ask my best friend these questions?!

They left me be for what it felt like an hour or so and they just said if I started to feel pressure or a gush of water to call them…I don’t recall what time it was but there was pressure and my heart raced…Mason held my hand and promised me that everything would be Ok. Our friend Lauren who was willing to photograph the delivery was in the room and she asked me what we wanted. I told her I just want to remember.

The doctor came and checked me and I was fully dilated, he said he didn’t want me to have to make any effort. I pushed just once and as soon as I felt her leave my body, I knew her time had come and my heart raced and tears fell. She was delivered in the sac, the doctor quickly took her out…but she was sleeping. She was so peaceful and pink and so warm. The neonatologist happened to be one of Finn’s doctors, assessed her. They cleaned her, swaddled her, and placed a hat on her head. She handed her to me and said she has a heartbeat and we just need to keep her warm.

All I could whisper to my dear daughter was that I was so sorry and that I loved her! We were able to hold and stare at her for 3 hours. Memorizing every inch of her. Her tiny lips, her chin and nose which resembled Finn. She had tiny round ears like Mason. She had my hands and feet. My heart broke. I was numb.

Mason’s parents and brother arrived shortly after her birth. My parent’s and brother were there via FaceTime. We had her baptized and prayed over her. Elodie was born at 9:21am and she died at 10:05am…44 mins…she has a birth certificate and a death certificate. Her spirit was with us and then she went with Jesus. She never felt pain. She never experienced sin. She was perfect in every way. I will miss her every minute of every day until I see her again…I still don’t know why the Lord allowed for this to happen. There are days of joy, sorrow, and absolute anger…I cling to Him. I ask Him to use Elodie’s short life and change me through this time. At night, I pray that He gives me glimpses of Heaven. My heart longs for Heaven…in my longing, I pray that while He keeps me here to make His purposes known and that her life was not in vain.

Please continue to pray for us. Pray for our hearts as we grieve our daughter. Please also pray for our future family. We are beginning to grieve that the door for additional children through natural steps may be closing. Lift up our doctors as there will be follow-up appointments, tests, and more questions. We grieve in more than one way and need your prayers. xo

If you’re just catching up, you can read Part I of our story here…This is the story of our daughter, Elodie Mason, born too soon…

As we made our way to L&D, I knew deep down that we wouldn’t be leaving. The contractions were 3-4 min apart and there were other signs that this was not going to end well. I was praying that the Lord would prove me wrong and stop the contractions and that he would give her more time…

The sweetest nurse met us in the room where I would ultimately deliver. She got me hooked to monitors and asked the standard gazillion questions. Sweet Elodie was moving like crazy and the contractions were indeed real at 3-4 min apart. She answered my questions and prepared all the things she knew the doctor would need.

Mason stepped out of the room and the doctor came in shortly after he walked out, she immediately did an ultrasound and was very quiet. She didn’t say anything until I asked her what she saw…she said she could see that the bag of waters were exposed and that I was dilated. She wanted to check me to see by how much…as soon as she checked me, she said the bag of water was right there and that I was already 4 cm…she then said, “I’m so sorry but you will inevitably deliver.” I burst into tears and Mason walked back into the room. The look on his face when he saw me was horrifying…he knew.

I wasn’t able to fully process what the doctor was saying, but she was incredibly sweet and she sat there with me, held my hands and told me how sorry she was. She answered all my crazy question…”Can’t I just be bed ridden for weeks to keep her in there?” I also knew that the only way anything would change what was happening would be to stop my contractions, but I knew they weren’t going to. They started an IV to hydrate me and also medication me to try to stop them (they even gave me two doses) – they were going to give me demerol, but the doctor came back shortly after submitting the order and asked if I’d prefer an epidural. She said that the demerol would make me loopy, but she wanted me to be present during the delivery so I could remember…

The contractions we horrendous, but then I would feel my sweet girl move and kick. But I needed relief…the pain in my heart and the contractions were too much to bear. My sister and her fiancé came right over and at this time it was around 6:30am…Mind you we were just one week away from their wedding! It was just all too much to take in. All I could say to her was, “I’m so sorry!” I didn’t want to ruin or impact the happiest day of her life with what I knew was about to happen. She asked me what she could do and the first thing I thought of was that I needed to remember. I asked her to call our friend who is a photographer to come and capture Elodie’s birth and every inch of her so I could remember…her lips and cheeks and feet and ears…and I’m so, so, SO happy we did that and that she was willing be there for us. These are photos that I will cherish my entire life until I see her again…

Well, here we go…I used to maintain a blog quite regularly back before 2012. Before a career change, a new son (born at ~29 weeks), and life in general became well…life and writing a blog was a luxury…

My world was recently rocked beyond anything imaginable and realized a blog for me is no longer a luxury but a lifeline for my heart. So here we are and I’m glad you’re here…

So who is Elodie, you may be wondering? Elodie Mason John is my daughter who was growing in my womb one day and the next she was gone. She was 21 weeks and 6 days old when the nightmare began. She was kicking and moving until I “inevitably delivered”.

My body is not like other mom’s. I was born with a bicornuate uterus or a “heart” shaped uterus. We became aware of this abnormality when I went into labor with our son nearly 3 years ago when he was 28 weeks and 5 days old. We saw several specialists before we even attempted to think of another child. After a MRI, several ultrasounds, and 2nd and 3rd opinions. We were told that having another child would be just fine. That I would be monitored more closely and that I would take weekly P17 progesterone shots to head off any labor.  I was told that since we already had a “viable” pregnancy that the next child should make it to it least 28 weeks if not later without the weekly shots and that the shots would give us an even greater chance to go full-term (37 weeks). However, the worse case scenario became our reality on the morning of September 24th…

I started to become increasingly uncomfortable that week. Braxton Hicks started. Mostly the same time in the evening. However, the day of the 23rd, I noticed these painless contractions became more frequent. That evening I fell asleep easily but noticed the tightening in my lower abdomen. I had my weekly check-up at the doctors on that Monday with an ultrasound to check my cervix and my weekly progesterone injection. All looked well. The doctor was pleased. I even had mention the Braxton Hicks and he was not concerned and said to watch them and if they became painful to call right away. Well, that was about 1:45am on the 24th, when I woke-up quite uncomfortable. I even drew a bath to see if that would help. I managed to get some rest, but knew by 4am it had gotten worse. I woke Mason and told him that I think we needed to go in…we phoned the doctor…their  initial response was “no, its probably not labor…” but we knew  better…so we decided to go in despite their response.

We arrived at the hospital around 5am and we kept saying this felt like a movie we’ve seen before…the same smells, the same corridors as we made our way to L&D just 3 years prior, but this time it was 7 weeks too early…