The post-Easter food and emotional hangover is real guys. I finally gathered my thoughts enough to sit down and write this one out. It brought such joy to see so many beautiful photos on Instagram of friends and family in smattering of pastels and florals with #HeisRisen hashtags filling my feed. But my spirit…boy it was heavy for such a joyous day.

As Dave Huber laid out his Easter sermon yesterday, he spoke from Luke 24:36-49…

Jesus Appears to His Disciples

36 As they were talking about these things, Jesus himself stood among them, and said to them, “Peace to you!” 37 But they were startled and frightened and thought they saw a spirit. 38 And he said to them, “Why are you troubled, and why do doubts arise in your hearts? 39 See my hands and my feet, that it is I myself. Touch me, and see. For a spirit does not have flesh and bones as you see that I have.”40 And when he had said this, he showed them his hands and his feet. 41 And while they still disbelieved for joy and were marveling, he said to them, “Have you anything here to eat?” 42 They gave him a piece of broiled fish, 43 and he took it and ate before them.

44 Then he said to them, “These are my words that I spoke to you while I was still with you, that everything written about me in the Law of Moses and the Prophets and the Psalms must be fulfilled.” 45 Then he opened their minds to understand the Scriptures, 46 and said to them, “Thus it is written, that the Christ should suffer and on the third day rise from the dead, 47 and that repentance and[c] forgiveness of sins should be proclaimed in his name to all nations, beginning from Jerusalem.48 You are witnesses of these things. 49 And behold, I am sending the promise of my Father upon you. But stay in the city until you are clothed with power from on high.”

 

As he spoke about how the disciples doubted even as Christ himself stood in front of them, the tears started to stream down my face…What in the world?! I’m pretty sure I was the only one sitting in Easter services crying my eyes out…yet the weight on my shoulders started to lighten as he continued…doubt and faith are not in opposition of one another, but doubt can strengthen your faith as you lean into it and wrestle with it…Christ didn’t rebuke them in their doubt, but came along side them and showed them the way.

I’ve been struggling lately. Struggling with where we place our next steps. Struggling as we waited on whether or not insurance would cover my surgery. Struggling with the reality that we are stepping out in complete blind faith. I’ve been having this ongoing dialogue in my head. God is good. He can allow for this surgery to be successful and give us a healthy “full term” baby. God is good. We could have a successful surgery, yet lose another child. God is good. What if I deal with pre-term labor? God is good.

As I sat in church on Easter morning, it all became clear. I’m doubting what I know to be the goodness of God. God is still good in all circumstances. Do I believe He is good if He redeems Elodie’s death through giving us a healthy, living child? Do I believe God is good because He took her in the first place? Do I believe God is good if He allows for us to lose another child. The answer is always yes, because my faith believes that to be true, but my faith is weak. It’s only Christ who can walk me through this journey. Stepping out in faith is hard. I can honestly admit that it’s harder than grief itself. Grief can be folded up in a nice little box. But doubt and faith, the unending wrestling and never really getting answers to the many questions…now that’s hard.

Mason summed it up as we talked in the car as the tears kept streaming and Finn asking, “Mommy, what’s wrong?” We believe the Lord is leading us down this path…to have this surgery and to try for another child…we are stepping out in blind faith and trusting. We both have the desire to have another child (the Lord hasn’t taken that desire away) and anything opposing this decision has always been boiled down to pure, unadulterated fear, which doesn’t come from the Lord. This season of doubt is in essence cultivating our faith and making it stronger…Lord I pray.

We just ask that you continue to pray for us. Pray for our hearts to be discerning. Pray for our hearts to grow in faith. Please pray for my upcoming surgery on April 11th. As of today, I finally found out that insurance has “covered and approved” my impending transabdominal cerclage (TAC) surgery in Chicago. Pray for my doctors and nurses, give them wisdom. Pray for quick healing and little pain. Love you all!