Waiting

Spring time is here in Charlotte. Flowering trees, blooming perennials. Warm weather. And the dreaded pollen smog, which hopefully clears in the next couple weeks. I love spring. It carries that feeling of hope. Renewal. New birth.

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We are in countdown mode until my TAC surgery. It’s scheduled for April 11th in Chicago. I’m also still waiting to hear back from my insurance. Dr. Haney’s office processes pre-authorization 30 days prior to the scheduled surgery date and it can take anywhere between 2-15 days. We are on day 7. Praying I’m “approved” and that we hear this week. If I’m not approved, we’ll file an appeal. If that fails, Dr. Haney does have an out of pocket rate, however, I would need to reschedule the surgery since the out of pocket option can only be performed at the surgery center and I’m currently scheduled at the hospital. Please pray that insurance covers and we’ll be on our way.

I’ve had a few people ask if I’m nervous. I’m not necessarily nervous for the surgery itself. I’m more emotional about the reasons why I’m having this done in the first place. Thinking back to when Finn came early at 28 weeks and the long NICU journey and then losing Elodie. There are a lot of emotions tied to this. Which makes me even more confident why this is an absolute must. I’m learning to trust Him with this and I’m not doing a very good job.  Part of me wants to just get through the surgery to even think about what’s next. I have doubts. I doubt more when I put my faith in this doctor and this TAC. I get confused, I want to trust Him, but it feels like blurred lines sometimes. My prayer is to have the strength to say, “I trust You”.

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Easter is this Sunday and with any season and holiday after Elodie, it’s faced with a new set of eyes. For the first time, Christ’s death and resurrection weighs heavier on my heart this year. It’s through depths of faith that gives new hope. As I sat in Palm Sunday service, listening to the pastor, I had an image of Jesus holding Elodie in the hospital room with tears streaming down His face. And as the pastor described Christ, as both God and man, the humanity of who Christ was, is real.

Christ wrestled with God the Father’s plan to save the world. Christ was the Ultimate sacrifice and took the weight of the world’s sin upon Himself. Yes, the physical sacrifice was probably more than we can ever imagine as He hung on the cross, but the emotional and spiritual sacrifice by far outweighs the physical.

The image of Christ weeping as He held our baby girl reflects the reality that this world is not how God had intended it to be. The fall of man could only be saved by God the Father, who sacrificed His only son. As we approach Easter, I pray you too see Christ’s sacrifice with new set of eyes and have eternal hope. He is Risen!

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